Stalker
by StolenSecrets
Summary: I wish Zack would bust out of his closet and give every one of them a giant kiss proclaiming loudly "I'M GAY FUCKER" He won't because he likes his antidepressants too much. I wish Reno would stop glaring.  He won't because he thinks I'm in love with Zack
1. Bullshit

I guess... I'm a stalker.

Yeah, that would be an apt description. It would explain what the fuck it is I'm doing right now. Watching him... again. This is like, the millionth time I've done this.

I wonder if he knows that I follow him here and watch, and listen, to what he's doing up there, on that stage, dressed like someone completely different from the person he p'tends to be? I wonder if he ever thought about it. I wonder how he'd take it if I told him that there are people in his other life that don't care that he has, like, twelve piercings, likes to wear black make up, and sings his heart out weekly.

Kunsel's known he was a fag for years, and keeps trying to get me to give him pictures of him and his guy making out so that he can sell them to the all of the almighty fans.

I wonder if he knows that I heard Johnny say that if he'd ever go gay, it'd be for the almighty. Which is the total flamer currently singing on stage. Which is the guy who had a crush on Johnny for five years before he fell in love with Reno, a bitchy redhead who hides behind nerd glasses and textbooks during the school day, and then puts on black make up and tight, tight, dear god are his balls okay?, jeans and parties like the life loving fag he is after he's assured his parents that yes, his grades are the best in school, and no I, the second smartest guy in the school, didn't beat him out of the number one class rank.

"I hope he's leaving you empty, baby, because this is just a fix, for such a simple, little, whore."

He sings that line better than the guy who actually wrote the song. It's probably the totally gay way he sings it that adds to the appeal. Nah, it's just his voice. I mean Mayday is pretty awesome, but he, he's so much better than awesome.

Which is why I'm here, following him around like a little puppy, wondering if I should just yell at him to get the fuck out of the closet and make out with his guy, Reno, on the front steps of the school after he ensures our homecoming victory. Which is what Reno said he'd have to do if he still wanted Reno to be his guy.

He's so fucking amazing. I mean, musical genius amazing. It's genetic he says, which is why he doesn't like it, his grandparents were virtuoso, and his ma was almost famous. When he was younger, and his grandparents were, like, still alive and kicking, they taught him how to play the piano, and then, when it was obvious he'd master it in three years, they taught him the violin, and then the guitar, and then voice lessons, and then bass, which he says is his true love in disguise, and then cello, and the list goes on, and on, and on. He says, that because those things come so naturally to him (like practicing fourteen hours a day means something comes naturally) he'd rather do something that takes real hard work.

Like football.

Bullshit.

He just likes having an excuse to stare at a guy's ass and not feel like he's devilspawn. He just likes running, as fast as he can, from point A to point B. He likes the attention, because sports definitely doesn't attract negative attention. No one will make fun of him for running in five touch downs in one quarter, but they will make fun of him for singing five songs perfectly, not a single crack in his voice, and living like there's no tomorrow. He likes the stress relief, and the release of all the anger he has pent up inside, because being a nice guy is really damn aggravating, and he's gotta let out all that steam somehow.

He's stupid for being afraid of them. It's not like they'll kill him, nowadays people don't hate gays _that_ much. There are laws against hate crime protecting him from getting his ass fried on the stake.

I mean yeah, most of the people in his other life are a bunch of stupid, cruel, jocks who would call him a fag and make fun of him tirelessly, that is, until they realized that without him the team would be fucked. He's their star running back. He's the only reason the team's gotten anywhere this season, and he's the only reason the team got anywhere last season. Like seriously, our football team sucks, and without him, the almighty, we'd be D E A D.

Yeah, they'd get over it pretty quick. Actually I'm pretty damn certain that he could walk up to them, plop a giant kiss on their lips, with tongue, and scream "I'M GAY, YOU FUCKER!" and they'd be a-okay with it. Fuck, the idiots would probably laugh and think it a joke.

It's not a joke. He is gay, and it's obvious he's dying inside because of it.

His dad's an ass. The worst drunk in town, the laughing stock, the violent douche bag that sends his wife to the hospital at least two times a month. And he can't do anything about it but take her there, and pay for the health care, and work his ass off trying to make life better for her, and his two little brothers, and his little sister, and his little cousin who has to stay with them because as bad as his dad is, his dad's brother is a thousand times worse.

His ma is beautiful, or at least she was, before she wasted away and decided she didn't care anymore, because what's the point in caring, what's the point in trying, if that violent ass hole is going to ruin all of her hard work, and her kids are gonna starve anyways?

He used to stay at his teammates' houses all the time. He used to suck it up to the moms and play up the cute factor. You know puberty. Which was hell for him, more so than it is for any normal, straight boy, because he had to go to the lockers, and change next to the cutest guy in the grade, and take showers, and not get hard looking at Rico, or Carter, or me. He managed it for a long time, staying at his pals houses, and pretending his home life didn't suck ass. He liked it too, that is, until that one night when he and Johnny were changing and he looked at Johnny a little too closely and his body reacted a little too readily.

Yeah, nowadays he just stays at my place. He practically lives with me and my ma. Only because I've known him since we were, like, three.

You know? He ran to my house and freaked out about it to me, that time with Johnny. He cried and everything, "Ohmy_gawd_, Cloud, I'm gay! I got hard looking at Johnny's ass! Fuck, help! WhatamIgonnado?"

Most people assume he's the one always protecting me, I mean, he is, pretty much, a thousand times bigger than me, and I am, like, really fucking wimpy, sorry, but y'know, can't help being born with leukemia, now, can I? But it's always the other way around. I mean, yeah, I can't cook for my life and he makes my food, and I can't wake up in the morning, or pretend I don't hate the world, and yeah he does those things for me, but he is totally hopeless emotionally.

I know, my ma's his psychiatrist and she's had him on antidepressants for years.

I'm always the one helping him out when he has his breakdowns. I'm the one who told him that, yes, if he got a piercing during the summer he'd be able to hide it during the school year. I'm the one that convinced him not to get Johnny's name tattooed on his ass that one night he got drunk off his ass and decided that he'd finally confess to Johnny.

Worst idea he ever had by the way, Johnny would have killed him, he's the biggest homophobe in the grade.

Zack is the only homo stupid enough to fall for a phobe.

He is such a _girl. _A big, giant, butt fucking _ugly _woman.

Okay, maybe he's not ugly.

Okay, maybe he's fucking _gorgeous._

But I'm not like him, I'm not gay. I'm in love with a girl, the most beautiful girl on the face of the planet, at least, I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. He goes on and on about how ugly she is. That is, when we're alone and he can be his so totally blatantly gay self.

I mean can he really honestly say Tifa's ugly? Every guy on the god damn planet has it for her, and somehow, I'm the one she chose. He's never liked her, but Gaia, I love that girl. She's amazing, she's everything I need.

Which makes me wonder why the hell I'm looking at him like this. It's easy to say he's beautiful. He's what you'd call a pretty boy. He's got blue eyes. He's got girly features and full lips, Gaia, his lips are fucking amazing.

I think his lips are why I've been dreaming about him.

I think I've been avoiding him because I've been dreaming about him.

I think I've been stalking him because I've been avoiding him.

I think I'm in love with my best friend, who is a closeted gay, who hates my girlfriend and is in love with my other best friend, who secretly hates my guts.

Well, not so secretly, Reno told me exactly what he thought of me yesterday when he found me in Zack's lap, which was a total accident. I tripped goddamnit.

But the fact that I tripped doesn't excuse the fact that Zack stuck his tongue in my mouth, and it definitely doesn't excuse the fact that I liked it, and oh my god, I'm in love with two totally different people who are two different genders.

The fact that Tifa's a girl should make it a no brainer. Her boobs make everything a no brainer.

The fact that Zack has a dick is kind of, no, a lot, repulsive. But I've been dreaming about his mouth anyways, and his mouth was on mine yesterday, and now I'm watching him, again.

I think I'm a stalker.


	2. It's Definitely the Eyes

Disclaimer: this counts for the first chapter, and the entire story since I kind of forgot about the first one.

It's Definitely the Eyes

Polyamorous.

I guess that is a word that applies to me.

I'm in love with two people.

Actually, three, if you count Johnny. Who I'm not actually in love with. It's totally just lust. I hate his guts, actually. I mean, yeah, I guess it's kind of two faced, what with me p'tending to be his friend slash brother from another mother, all the time. I've been secretly hating him slash lusting after him, on the inside, for about three, no four, years.

I want him to fuck me. Pure and simple. I want him to pin me down, shove his tongue down my throat, and proceed with the crazy-mad-gay-love-making I long for. (Yuffie's words are occasionally suitable descriptions)

I guess, if you think about it, and realize that I'm deinitely gay, and he's definitely hot, that's okay.

Except, well, I want it to hurt. I want him to hit me while he's doing it. I want to say no, stop and have him continue on with it. I want him to murmur about how I'm such a disgusting fag, about how I need to shut up because we both know I want it. I want him to mock me as he's doing it.

Then after he's shamed me completely I want him to say he loves me.

Pretty fucked up right?

My psychiatrist, Dr. Strife, Cloud's mother, says that I don't actually want that. She says they're just dreams, just nightmares, they aren't sexual fantasies, despite the fact that I wake up with my semen all over my stomach. She says that that's just an extension of how he makes me feel about myself. She says it's just an extension of the fear I've held inside of me for so long. She says it's just because that nameless bastard pinned me down and raped me over and over again when I was ten.

I've forgotten his name. It's almost as if not remembering his name makes it so that it never happened. I could always find out, simple enough to do. I could walk up to my ma and say, "What's da's brother's name again?"

Then I'd know. Then the memories would start flooding back in. Then the five-thousand, six-hundred and fifty-seven times he forced me to do things for him would all come rushing back in one giant rush of memories and I'd remember every reason I hate myself. (I can't remember the real number, but with all the nightmares, with every time I've relived every time he touched me, forced me to touch him, to suck him, such a high number is probably too low)

Not even Cloud knows about that.

It's my deep dark secret.

I'm not a virgin.

Despite the fact that I've barely even made out with my guy.

Which is why he's getting frustrated with me. Which is why he's been bitching me out. It's also why he's starting to hate Cloud.

I could lie and say that I have no idea why he is blaming Cloud, but, like I said, I'd be lying.

It's not like he has a legitimate worry anyway.

Cloud is straight.

That bitch Tifa, and her boobs, and her eyes, and her smile and every other part about her that is just totally one hundred percent sickeningly perfect proves it.

Gaia, I hate that woman.

What can she do for Cloud that I can't? I bet I'm better at blow-jobs. Completely barring the fact that I'm inexperienced, I know I could do it better than that slut. I KNOW I'm a better cook. And, if you consider how totally obsessed Cloud is with food (almost as much as me, but, hey, teenage boys much?) that should make it a no brainer.

But no, what makes it a no brainer is her gigantic bust.

And my dick.

Yep, there's no way Cloudy would be into me.

I'm just going to have to moon after my chocobo-head for the rest of my life. I'm just going to have to p'tend to be his best friend forever. I'm just gonna have to not look too closely when he bends over. I'm just gonna have to look elsewhere when he's shirtless, and I'm just gonna have to ignore those goddamnes gorgeous eyes of his.

I mean, the fact that he has such a horrible limp, from that horrible break in his leg when he was a kid, that made it so his left leg was three inches shorter than his right, should be a turn off. (Okay maybe not three inches, probably more like one and a half to two inches, but it's definitely noticeable.)

I like legs. Love them, really. Which is strange, when you consider the fact that, normally, straight guys like legs. Reno's legs are goddamn amazing. He shaves them, which is one of his more girly aspects, which I regularly tease him for. It's the only thing I can get him to blush about, which is fucking hot. Anyways, his legs look hot in shorts, especially when those shorts are my boxers, and are topped by one of my shirts.

But I also like the ass, and well, Cloud's ass is amazing. Not that Reno's isn't. Reno has a really fucking hot ass. It's embarassing really, I looked at mine once or twice to see if my ass looked as good as theirs and I just couldn't tell. I've wanted to ask Cloud what he thinks of my ass, but he'd probably shove his foot up it if I did. I HAVE asked Reno and he just looked at me for a few minutes before making a few comments about the number of squats I do, and how goddamn loose my jeans are, and told me he'd need me to either take off my pants or wear some tighter jeans for him to be able to tell. I went for the last one. He stared for a while. Then he took me to a club where we danced for a few hours, and I completely forgot all about the question.

Then we got home and he whispered in my ear that I had the hottest ass he's ever seen. Then we made out for a while and he grabbed my ass and pushed me into a wall, and I freaked out.

And then we have the current relationship fiasco we are now suffering with.

And while I'm freaking out about how Reno is going to dump me I can't help but look at Cloud's ass. And admire it. His ass is a walking hard-on. And the way it moves when he walks, because of the limp, is also amazing. More than amazing really….

He'd fucking KILL me if I ever said that out loud.

Right now, we're walking home. I found out he was watching my show. Genesis pointed out the hot blonde in the crowd that was staring at me the entire time and I realized it was Cloud. He's walking a little ahead of me, and he's being his usual quiet self, but it feels strange. It feels like there's something he wants to tell me. It feels like there's something I should say, something I should do, to make him look less slouched over. But right now I can't think of anything to say or do to make up for what I did two days ago. What should I say? I'm sorry I took advantage of the fact that you tripped into my lap and your face was shoved into mine? I'm sorry I shoved my tongue in your mouth?

I'm not sorry. And I'm a fucking horrible liar.

So I'm following him silently.

He turns around at one point and stops moving. I walk a few steps and stop moving when I'm only a few feet away from him. I look into his gorgeous eyes, and realize that if there were any way Cloud would be mine, I'd dump Reno in a heartbeat.

Then I hate myself for that thought. Because I know Reno hasn't ever loved anyone as much as he loves me. And I know I love Reno a lot. Just not as much as Cloud.

I will always love Cloud.

It's the eyes.

Really, what I like the most, about anyone, really, are the eyes.

Cloud's eyes are breathtaking. The deepest cerulean I've ever seen. So dark, and yet so bright at the same time, that you want to stare at them forever to see, if maybe, one day you'll be able to figure out the names to every color blue hidden within his eyes, every secret those colors hide, every thought that's ever been expressed by those eyes. Cloud's eyes give everything away. He doesn't need facial expressions.

His face is the epitome of poker. Play against him, and if it weren't for the fact that he has the worst goddamned luck on the face of the planet (I mean, really, lukemia at age three? Dead dad at age five? Broken leg gone bad and a permanent limp for the rest of your life? Getting stuck in a café that gets shot up and end up with a dead older sister? Bad shit happens to Cloud, and the poor guy has never won a card game. Ever.) The rules of poker say he would totally win, just because there is no way to read his poker face.

Only two and a half people on this earth would stand a chance agaisnt him. They're the only people who know how to read Cloud's eyes. Me, Cloud's Ma, and sometimes Reno. Reno's the half, since he's a dumb fuck who is socially retarded, I don't care what the SATs, the ACTs, or the 5.3 GPA say, he's the stupidest mother-fucker on the face of the planet.

I mean, seriously, what kind of dumbfuck would believe I'm not attracted to Reno? He's gorgeous. Not a lot of people see it, especially with those _hideous _glasses he wears to school, and the fact that he doesn't bother with his hair, or his clothes, before school, because well, if he doesn' have two hours to get ready he doesn't even bother, and school starts at 7:30 am, and Reno doesn't EVER get up before 7:25, so the rest of the world has to put up with his bed head, his nerd glasses, and his rumpled up dress shirt and dress slacks, because that's the kind of bitch he is. (I don't have a clue how he makes such a slobby outfit look sexy, but god damn me if that outfit isn't a walking hard-on. And well, I guess I've got it really bad. Especially if I think he's gorgeous even when he's puking up vodka. I _hate _alcohol and even the _thought _ of excessive drinking, because my dad is an alcoholic asshole, but I don't complain when Reno gets drunk. Fuck, I even think it's cute, and that's just so fucking confusing because I _hate _drunk people. And damn me, when I look at him during the only class we have together and just want to walk over and grab him. Fuck me if I don't want to sit by him and put my arm around him, or at least just pass notes the entire class period, all of them centered around the fact that I think he's gorgeous today, and no the bed head isn't a turn off, the opposite actually, I'm hard right now.)

Reno's eyes are gorgeous. They're a bright, icy blue with a wicked gleam. They scream sex. Sex. Sex. Which is what he's been pushing for lately. And sex is what I'm extremely uncomfortable with right now, and two weeks from now, and three years from now, and I just don't know how to tell him. I can't just say "Gods damn me, Reno, yes I want to fuck. Yes I want to suck you off, just like you've sucked me. Yes I want to touch you just like you've touched me. Yes I want to fuck you, and have you fuck me. And fuck yes, I'm cool with the fact that you like to switch it up and fuck your partner just as often as they fuck you. No, goddamnit I don't think of you as my slut. No, I'm not really straight. No, I'm not repulsed by you. No, I'm not p'tending you're a girl. I am interested in guys. In you. I want to be with you that way, I really do. But I can't, can't, can't. Do that. Because I'm SCARED. Terrified,really. Because I know that as soon as I'm feeling even a touch vulnerable I'm going to freak the fuck out, because I'm fucked up like that. And I know we've been together for two years, and that since we're both legal we should do it sometime soon, and I know that for a male-on-male relationship waiting so long is fucking _weird_, but I can't, baby, I can't. Not yet. "

Probably not ever. I think it's probably just gonna be me and my hand for the rest of my life. I don't want to tell him that. I know how he'll react.

"We're over."

I can hear those words on his lips right now.

"I don't think we should see each other. I want to see someone else."

I can see him with another guy and it's KILLING ME.

I have two options. Option A- fuck him, and then let him fuck me, turn into a rock while he's doing it, and have him decide I'm bad in bed and that we should break up because I'm a lousy lay. Or Option B- Not option A. Never have sex. And have him break up with me because he think's I'm not attracted to him.

Either way I'm going to end up without Reno. And, gods, it makes me want to cry.

A lot of stuff makes me want to cry nowadays.

I think Reno and Cloud and Johnny are the top of the list.

Actually, I think their eyes are at the top of the list.

Creepy, right?

I love Cloud's eyes. And I love Reno's eyes.

And hell, even Johnny's eyes, though they're brown, and don't fit the running trend of blue, are goddamned gorgeous. They are light brown, not dark, and at the center there's a ring of gold, not many peope notice it, but I do, god I notice it. And the outside rings of his iris's are a really dark green. His eyes get all dark when he's mad, and bright when he's laughing. And I make him laugh a lot, and god damn I'm proud of that.

Cloud hasn't said anything, but he's turned back around and started walking again. And I'm following him. And I want to confess everything that's bringing me down right now. I want to tell him about every stinking little thing that's killing me inside.

I used to tell him everything.

But now I can't tell him.

I can't just open my mouth and say it:

I'm in love with three people.

I know, for a fact, that one of them would hate my guts if I told him. I know Johnny'd beat me up, and I'd let him, I wouldn't even fight back. I'd probably start crying and whimpering, the whiny bitch I am, and he'd be disgusted by that.

I mean, if he'd totally hate my guts just knowing I'm gay, what would he say, or do, really, I think I'm more afraid of what he'd do, if he knew I'm not only a gay, but I'm a gay that's been lusting after him since puberty?

I'm in love with another person who's straight. He'd probably accept that I love him, take pity on me and p'tend that it doesn't creepp him the fuck out. He'd probably steadily start cutting ties,and, one day I'm going to try and call him and the number will be out of order. I'll go over to his house and his ma will say he's not there and she won't tell me where he is. He'll move away, out of my life, and never see me again. I'd be truly alone.

I'd break. I could live through losing Johnny as a friend. I could live through him beating the ever loving shit out of me, but I couldn't live with losing him. He's been by my side since before I can remember. I've always thought of him as an extension of me.

I'll die before I lose Cloud.

Then there's Reno. I love him, really I do. But Reno's dwarfed by Cloud, and Johnny doesn't even hold a candle to Reno. I'd probably cut off my arm, or my dick, or my hands, and my legs, if it would keep Reno from breaking it off.

I am going to do it. Well, actually, I'll try to do it.

Not sex, no, Reno isn't trying to force me into that anytime soon. He's crying because of his blueballs but "no, no, babe, there's no pressure" he says. Which makes me feel guilty as fuck.

He said he'd dump my ass if I didn't make our relationship public-ish. He said I don't have to go on the school announcements and say I'm gay for him (though I doubt anyone would take that seriously) or make out with him in the halls, or hold his hand and walk him to class because he's "not a fucking girl yo", I just have to give him one kiss. On the steps, after homecoming, while everyone's heading home. Walking down those steps.

With my team watching.

With the guys I shower, naked, with, in the locker room, watching.

I will totally get beat up for it. It's actually kind of funny.

But I'll do it for my guy.

Cloud's stopped again. He doesn't turn around this time.

"Can you sleep over tonight?"

I'm surprised he wants that. Especially after me shoving my tongue down his throat. But have I ever been able to say no to Cloud?

No.

"Sure."

And neither of us say anything else. And we keep on walking.

And I continue to try to justify to myself what I'm feeling.

Is it even possible to love two people at once?

But, really, if you think about it, it should really only count as one, since well, Reno is the only one who loves me back.

Or at least acts like he loves me back. We go on dates, we kiss, we dance, we laugh, play around, and make fun of all the sick fucks with sticks up their asses together.

That should make it a no brainer right?

That should make it so that I only love one person, since only one person loves me back.

It doesn't though.

I will always, always, always, love Cloud.

"Cloud?"

He stops and turns around.

"Yah?" His voice is so soft, but it's always been a comfort to me. He can't sing for his life, not like Reno. But that doesn't matter. His voice is beautiful anyways.

"Can I tell ya something?"

"Is it something I already know?"

I pause for a moment and look into his eyes and see the dread that's in them. I think he probably does know. I know he doesn't want me to say it. I start walking and he starts walking by my side. I don't need to ask him to start moving. He knows me. He knows I can't just stay still.

"I think ya prolly do, but, I really need to get it out in the open."

"Then go ahead."

And I chicken out and decide to tell him something else, that's just as true as what I really wanted to say, but is also the complete opposite.

"I love Reno."

He freezes for a moment. Everything about him stops moving so abruptly it's almost violent. I turn around and move so that I stand directly in front of him. He looks up at me and look into his eyes. I see a flash of relief, then anger, then fear, and then something happens that makes me nearly shit my pants. His eyes go dead. And I get terrified all of a sudden. And for some reason I rush to tell him what I'd just decided to never say.

"But I love you more."

And he looks at me again.

A/N: Did I make Cloud and Zack sound like two different people? It's a poll, now. I kind of want to know.


End file.
